I Hate My Family

Jesus uses what seems to be some harsh language at times when He is teaching His disciples or speaking with the crowds. One of these hard sayings that I have done a bit more reflection on than others comes from Luke 14:25-26. Luke records the account this way, “Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.””

For many translations there will be a heading in your bible that reads, “The Cost of Discipleship.” I have another blog post from a few months ago with the same title. You can read it here.

This time I want to hone in on a specific part of the cost of discipleship. He commands us to hate our father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, heck, even ourselves. Now, before some of you get excited because you have a rocky relationship with one of these people in your own life, we should consider some things.

First, let’s consider what Jesus is NOT saying. We will take it in two parts.

Part 1. Jesus is not asking you to hate anyone in the way we often think of the word. I don’t think it takes much effort to realize this goes contrary to the teaching of Scripture, especially that of the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7. Think also about the teachings of Paul and Peter. In speaking to husbands in Ephesians 5:25, Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Does that sound like hate to you? If Jesus commands us to hate our wives, but Paul commands us to love them like Christ loved the church, then is Paul contradicting Jesus? Even worse, is God contradicting Himself? I don’t think I need to prove my point any further. Simply put, Jesus is not telling us to hate anyone.

Part 2. Jesus is not asking you to leave your family simply to prove your discipleship to Him. A personal example will help here. In 2016, I responded to a call to ministry and moved from Michigan (where my family all lives) to Kentucky (where I attended Asbury Theological Seminary). In one sense, I began to live out the proper meaning of this passage (more on that in a moment). However, as time went by I began to reflect on this passage and develop an unhealthy interpretation. I began to think that I was somehow a better follower of Jesus because I was following God’s call AWAY from my family. I also started to believe that living close to family, especially as someone who was called to ministry, was (and I am a little ashamed to even admit this) direct disobedience to Jesus. Therefore, as seminary was drawing to an end I thought Rebecca and I would never “go back home” because somehow that would be putting family above our call to ministry. We would be living in direct opposition to what Jesus had commanded us to do. This is simply not true, and I am grateful God opened my eyes to this. Simply put, Jesus is not saying that all followers of Jesus must leave their families behind in order to follow Him. But there are times this is exactly what He is saying.

Finally, let’s consider what Jesus IS saying.

Jesus may not be saying that all followers of Jesus must leave their families behind in order to follow Him, BUT (and as I heard my dad say many times during his sermons, it’s a big but) He is saying that we must be willing to IF He asks us to. There are two ways to think about this.

First. In order to follow Jesus, we must be willing to accept the betrayal of our family members, if necessary. Nobody understands this better than a person who leaves another religion, like Islam, and chooses to follow Jesus. But others can as well. Even your average middle-class American family can experience this. Oftentimes, these people are, at best, disowned from their family, and at worst, martyred for their newfound faith in Jesus. In the Luke passage, Jesus likens the call to discipleship to a person building a tower. This person will first determine if they are capable and willing to finish the project. No good builder sets out on a project and then realizes they can’t complete the job. In the same way, everyone must consider what following Jesus will cost them. We all face this decision because a life of following Jesus better look a whole lot different than the one we were living before. But for some the consequences are harder to face, and there are billions of people in the world whose decision to follow Jesus will look to the world like they hate their own family. This, I believe, is one reason why Jesus used such strong language to make his point.

Second. For those already following Jesus, there may be a moment, or several moments, in your life when Jesus calls you to a task that will remove you from the very people you love most. My family and I are experiencing this right now. We live in Sicily as missionaries. God asked us to leave our fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters behind to follow Him. If you know anything about our families, we left a lot of people. Between the two of us we have 4 parents, 5 sisters, 6 brothers, 2 sisters-in-law, 2 brothers-in-law, and 1 nephew (who arrived after we moved). That brings our total number to 20 family members we chose to say “goodbye” to in order to follow a call from Jesus. Others have sacrificed much more than us. We are grateful to have family who understood our call and believed it to be the right decision. I know of another missionary couple who experienced harsh words from a close family member when they answered a call to the mission field. To this family member, this missionary couple “hated” her for moving away. Sometimes following Jesus will look that way. So, maybe the harsh language was necessary.

Jesus’ command to “hate” our closest relationships is one we all must wrestle with at some point in our journey of faith. You may need to read Luke 14 and consider the cost yourself. Just a word of caution. Do not be the unwise builder that begins a project and can’t finish. Consider the cost today. Come to a decision today. There will be a day, maybe soon, when you will need to decide. Don’t come to that decision unprepared. Come to that decision with your answer already in mind. You’ve heard me say it many times before, but Jesus is asking it again right now.

Are you willing?