Running on Empty

I’m the kind of guy that starts looking for a gas station when I still have a quarter tank left. Part of it may be that I never knew if I could really trust the gas gauge on one of my first cars. I was always a little terrified that I would run out of gas on a county road or on my way to something important. Another reason could just be my personality. I’m a planner. I am often looking ahead and planning accordingly.

Unfortunately, the same can’t always be said of my emotional and spiritual gas tank. I may have a visual of how much gas is left, but I can overestimate how many miles I have until empty. I’m like the 16-year old first-time driver that sees the little arm sitting on the empty line, but says to himself, “It’s all good. I heard my parents say these are designed to have an extra 20-30 miles after empty.”

That’s a great picture of my spiritual tank right now. The last two years have been a whirlwind. Here’s just a little snapshot. After about 8 months of raising a team of financial ministry partners, we made our first international move from Indiana to Catania, Sicily with 2 kids under 5. Not to mention we found out a third was on the way only two days before we got on a plane. We immersed ourselves in learning a new language, a new culture, and cross-cultural ministry. We had a baby 9 months after living in Sicily. We then left Sicily after one year of missionary service (which was much sooner than we expected). This meant saying goodbye to friends and our missionary team that we came to love. We made another international move, but this time with 3 kids, one of them only a few months old. We spent our first 3 months back in the States living in temporary housing while traveling almost weekly meeting with ministry partners and speaking in different churches. During that same timeframe, I was interviewing for ministry positions trying to ensure income and insurance didn’t lapse. I then accepted a job but we needed to look for a new home. We didn’t know if we would find one before our temporary rental would finish. Now, I am five weeks into a new ministry position, and we have lived in our new home for a month. We really just hit the ground running after we returned and never really looked back.

I don’t share that for your sympathy. I share that not for you to say, “Wow, Eric. You guys have been through so much.” In fact, some of you may be thinking, “That’s all? I’ve been through more.” The point isn’t to draw comparison or to get you to think or feel a type of way about me. The point is to say, we all have a gas tank. We all have a different fuel economy. Our internal and external circumstances are the roads we travel. Eventually, we hit empty.

I’m on empty.

In the missionary community, many individuals and families do what is called a debrief retreat. It is an opportunity to get away, find rest and have fun at a retreat center, spend dedicated time in God’s presence through Scripture and silence and solitude, and process through the realities and challenges of entering back into your home culture, whether you’ve been removed for a short time or a long time.

I am of the camp that would say every missionary should do a debrief, regardless of where you lived and served, how long you were away from your home country, or whether you think you need one or not. Personally, I did not feel a debrief was necessary for our family when we moved back from Italy. I had all sorts of reasons as to why.

“Do we really need it? I mean, we were only gone a year.”

“Would others think I’m just taking a vacation and using ministry dollars to do so?”

“We didn’t experience any trauma like others face on the field.”

These, and other reasons like them, are lies and, I believe, attacks from the enemy to get us to move on with life without doing the necessary processing between seasons. These would be wrongly-motivated reasons to skip out on a debrief.

And to a degree, they can make sense. The first week or two of being back were filled with catching up on sleep and quality time with family we missed so dearly. It felt amazing. In the moment, I thought to myself, “Wow, I feel really great. I’m ready to get on to what’s next. I have vision. I feel energized. I’m expectant.” Yet, those emotions didn’t last long, and this is the exact reason why we can’t always trust our emotions or feelings. Because after several weeks of speaking engagements, dinners with ministry partners, the stress of big financial decisions, and many miles on the road with three kids, the tank began to drop drastically. I began to think, “Where did the vision go? Why can’t I develop new ideas for this next speaking opportunity? Why am I so tired?” The shift was quick and hard.

However, there were other motivations and reasons for not jumping into a debrief right away. And that is because…

Timing. Matters.

If you remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs from psychology class, at least at a very basic level, we have specific needs in our life that need to be met before moving on to other needs. Whether his work is accurate or helpful is beside the point, there is a reality that some needs must be met before others. That was true of us in our early stages of being back.

I had a lot on my mind that needed to be addressed before I could properly step into a time of processing our missionary season. We had big financial decisions to make like purchasing vehicles. I was interviewing with some churches trying to discern our next ministry position. Eventually, that would mean moving yet again and looking into renting verses buying a home. We were thankful to have a roof over our head, but we were only able to live there for a specific length of time. I needed to figure out the job and house situation within that timeframe so we didn’t end up homeless. I believe someone likely would have stepped up and provided us a place to stay, but you get the point. We also knew that our income and insurance with our missions organization would eventually stop. There is no way I would have been able to get my mind off of these and onto the necessary things to process well in that moment.

We had a specific set of needs that took precedence in our life. Some people may argue the order in which certain things should be done. For example, I imagine there are some in the missionary community who may think a proper debrief is more important than finding what’s next. Or even that one is necessary before beginning your next ministry assignment. In some circumstances, I may agree. But for our situation, we had other needs that had to come first.

Nonetheless, the timing for a debrief is very important. Too early, and you’ll find yourself missing things as you continue to adjust after the debrief. Too late, and you may forget things or suppress them. I haven’t done any research on this, but I imagine there is a nice bell curve that could depict the best timing for such an event. There is a sweet spot. The key is to find yours.

We are in the process of getting ours scheduled, and we believe we will be entering a time of debrief at the perfect time for our family.

Yet, there is one other thing I want to mention. I already referenced it earlier, but I want to make note of it intentionally here.

Get help before you think you need it.

I’m glad as time went by we not only saw the need for a time to debrief, but I work at a church that wasn’t just willing for me to step away and take one, they encouraged it. In fact, they approached me before I had the opportunity to approach them. Early after we first arrived, I didn’t think we needed one. It wasn’t until all the basic needs mentioned earlier were met, and I had started my new role, that I began to notice a desire and need for one bubbling up inside me. Had I not worked at a church that was proactive in encouraging my family to go, I probably would have skipped it altogether. I’m grateful we won’t discover the negative side of that as time goes on.

Others may feel the same way I did. Don’t fall for the trap. A time of debrief shouldn’t be a suggestion. But as I said earlier, the timing may be different for each person or family.

One last note before closing.

Running on empty isn’t fun. Yet, God’s grace reaches places we think aren’t possible. He has sustained us through all of this. In fact, my first several weeks at work have been quite amazing. I have seen God work through me despite my emptiness. Here is a short list:

A man with anger issues for over 50 years is now experiencing freedom from this stronghold ever since the moment I prayed for him.

A small group of young adults are growing in their faith as a result of the young adult gatherings I’ve been organizing.

On several occasions, I’ve left a moment of ministry wondering, “where did the energy come from?”

Do I take the credit? Not in the least!

Even when we are on empty, God works in and through us. It is His glory that is at stake, not ours. I’m not suggesting we all hit empty and stay there so that God can work through us. This is quite different from what God meant when He told Paul, “My power is made perfect in your weakness.” God does not want spiritually, emotionally, and physically empty people walking around looking for people to minister to.

If you are running on empty, it may be time to look for an opportunity to process the things of your life. It may not be a full blown debrief retreat held by an organization who specializes in that. In fact, we are creating our own with the help of our Missionary Care department from our sending agency. But there are other ways to seek the help you need. Feel free to send me a message HERE or send me a DM on Instagram. I’d be happy to help you find what will work for your situation.

The question is, are you willing?